I Get It..I Get It. Here I go again.

I screwed up big time!! It cost me big time but could have been worse!! Man just blasted Pavrotti's Nessum Dorma...took me away for a bit ..did he know how to release endorphins..his and ours..man he was tops!! here he is
I'm back.....I couldn't sleep that night was scared to death and pissed off at myself as I saw something inside me so distasteful. I also knew it was something I needed to see as it was holding me back from my success and I better figure it out, move on and quit wallowing in it. A guardian appeared, a guy parked next to me all night with his dog and said they would watch over me. I knew exactly what happened almost as it was happening as I flashbacked to the past and last time it happened. I was conned out of my visa money at an atm at a truck stop and never thought for a moment that they were being deceitful. I have been conned many times before so I journaled and journaled my way clear. It took until i got back to my rv site next day where I blasted my music, had some cheap red wine and sat in the sun with the umbrella to cut out the chilly wind. Then my friend Mary came over with her bloody Mary..and we laughed and I cried..and I figured it out. Then I received Grandmother Pa'Ris'Ha's blog through my subscription http://www.myspace.com/pa_ris_ha When you simply do a
"re-take" from the experience of a"mis-take"the outcome is wisdom. I also knew I had to read my astrological transits from my progressive chart that I bought myself two birthdays ago that told me about this but I didn't know how intense and deep it would go....and man... I got finally put the pieces together on this gullible side to me that is so alarming here's the jist:

Through pleasing others, looking for reassurances, loss, hurt and disappointment, doing giveaway instead of protecting myself and struggling against limitations, and frustrations I am discovering new reserves of strength and tenacity. A determination to "turn it around" is indeed developing from a feeling of being conspired against. Its like" tempering steel" and I "will hold on to every bit of ground gained". Even though I am "taking a bit of a pounding" I am becoming better able to make "my own way in life." Now my strength and determination are in service to whom I really am not how others from my past expected me to be. I am weeding out and battling on and getting in touch with my strengths and limitations on a much deeper level. This is a time of deep inner change.. patterns from my family background are slipping away. I am discovering new emotional resources and a capacity for survival that depends on my own strength and power. How do I present myself to others...I do not like what I see and it made me sick..and I have seen it before...I am now determined to develop strength to stand my ground no matter what and know who I am ...its all about this trip and me becoming completely independent, braver and stronger in the process...I just have to survive it!!

Endorphins ....A Quick Fix

Ok so i slept right through the night for first time since 2007...i still have coughing fits but generally i feel sooooo much better..as i go back to my "i am in control of my life because what i think i create according to quantum physics rules" then another rv issue arises....i am not even going into the frozen turd issue as I will spare you those details..then the burst water pipe..and since i still have to go into kingman for the part to complete the water heater repair issue...now i can't even turn on the pump to boil some water to have a bath..

i said F.... This!!!!!! i am in control of my reality@!!! Being sick really turns you into being a victim...i said i am getting this fixed..and not waiting two days until i drive into kingman to get the other repair complete... and i asked the owner of the rv park and he came and fixed it!! I am clean...my hair is clean...i blasted my kenny loggins, eagles, jimmy buffett feel good playlist and drank my $2.00 Wal-mart wine and let the endorphins flow!@!!!!!!!! kicking in the endorphins is a quick fix... earlier my friend Mary came to me and said the reason we are all sick at this rv camp is cause we have Desert or Valley fever ..which is respitory and from spores in the land...and archeologists and construction workers get it and these guys are all out prospecting for gold every day....so mary and i looked on the internet and said we are not buying into this we just have colds...then i heated up some water blasted up my music as the sun was going down...and let the endorphins fly....so now i am back in control of my life..and am back on track....